So, lately, well…. for the past couple of years,

there has been this nagging feeling in the back of my head.

It feels like there are two sides. One side is pulling and the other side is pulling harder and they just keep going back and forth.

It seems like the bad side is winning, but I will not allow it. Not with God on my side.

Here is my dilema.

So for a long I’ve been struggling with laziness and being afraid of dissapointment.

I would always start to read the bible or start the book or start a devotional or start writing in my journal. And it would go great. But after only a matter of time… I would just stop. I would start to get lazy, I would make up excuses. I would just get all excited, God was right beside me and then all of a sudden… it would feel like I am a thousand miles away from him.

And no, I dont like using the “every relationship has their ups and downs” excuse. Cuz it’s just an excuse. 

Like one thing someone wise once told me that if you push Him away, if you don’t wanna read his word right now, if you don’t long for His presence, if you don’t wanna pray, if you keep saying ‘i’ll do it later’ …. what makes you think you’ll want to be with Him for an eternity in heaven?

God hates it when we’re lukewarm. He said he’d rather have us either really dry or on fire.

But i feel like that’s where I always end up.

And that’s when I get dissapointed. I get so dissapointed after trying and trying and it constantly failing that I don’t even wanna try anymore.

But in the back of my head, I know that, when I get in these situations, I’m only supposed to pray harder and try even harder… but for some reason… I’m not. 

And it sucks.

And that’s the worst part… that, I know what I’m supposed to do yet I dont.

It’s like your mom telling you to not drink the milk from the carton. And you respond. And say “Yes mother.” But right when she turns, you do it again. And when she finds out, the punishment will be that much worse because of the fact that she already told you.

It’s like that, I already know, yet I still dont follow. Tsk… :/

But yeah, now that my rant is over,

I guess if I really cared, I’ll pray even more. And read my bible, cuz truly, the answers are right thurrrr.

Starting now, it’s time for a change.

alrighty. bye.